Ron Davis, Master Mechanic

How To Change Your Oil

 

Why pay those uppity mechanics to do something you can easily screw up yourself?

 

 

By Ron Davis

 

   Satisfaction, Pride, Accomplishment. What can possibly compare with the feelings that surround doing a bit of motorcycle maintenance yourself? Well, probably nothing, except maybe the desperate feelings of anxiety over whether you’ve done something wrong that will leave you stranded on some desolate stretch of highway…at night…with no bars on your cell phone…in a downpour…but, other than that, wouldn’t you like to know how to change your own oil? Yes, you would.

   Let’s get started. First, you’re going to need some tools. A hammer, of course, is essential. Everyone knows you always need a hammer; in fact, I’ve heard that the original title of Pirsig’s famous book was actually “Hammers and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance.” And, those flimsy, cylinder cooling fins that get broken off so easily? They’re basically just cosmetic anyway.  

   You’ll also need a special BMW oil filter socket wrench attachment, part #GN-555-3398YK2-brgrdn~88Q59-nN-CIA007. Why do you always need some special tool to do anything on a beemer? I imagine there are conversations going on all the time at BMW Research and Development that sound something like this:

    “Hey, Hans, how are they going to get this dinky, little bolt off, if they, say, have to replace this little light thingy in the blinker deal?”

   “Oh, Helmut, they can use any kind of vise grips or pliers, maybe with a hammer, that’ll work just fine, yah.”

   “Ach Du Lieber, Hans, did you forget we need more overtime this week? Let’s make it so they will need this U-shaped, titanium, powder-coated, blind Torx head driver I’ve just drawn!”

   “Ummmm, could we make it metric, Helmut?”

   “Of Course, Hans!”

   “Oh Helmut, You Rock!” (German version of high-five)

   You can get this nifty tool from a dealer, or you can spend a week on ebay and save yourself at least two or three dollars (before shipping, anyway). Or if you’re the gambling type, just use your trusty hammer to drive a screwdriver into the side of the filter. Then you can either simply crank out the filter, or, that failing, trailer your bike to your nearest dealer and try making up a story about how the bottom half of your oil filter got torn off. (Like, they won’t already know.)

    In addition, you’ll need something to catch the oil drained from your bike. Now, you can spend your hard-earned money on a specially designed, galvanized steel drain pan, or you can take the more thrifty route like I did and purchase one of those foil, turkey roasting pans which will work just fine, at least until you actually need to use it,  in which case you’ll find the way you bent it up to fit in your side case has resulted in pinhole leaks you won’t notice until the hot oil starts spreading over your garage floor, but rest assured you can feel good about the fact you have saved another five, maybe six bucks.  

   To remove your drain plug (to use the technical term) you’ll need something called an Allen Wrench, a tool taking its name from the famous German toolmaker, Reinhard Wrench. If you can’t remember where you put yours after you used it trying to unplug that pesky garage floor drain, you can always substitute a big screwdriver, vise grips, and of course, the hammer.

   Warning, don’t start hammering on your bike until you’ve also picked up some oil and a new oil filter. Don’t get me started on what kind of oil to use; recent research shows that 95% of all BMW rally altercations involving fists and specialized BMW tools have begun with seemingly innocent conversations about oil. Really, you can get oil anywhere, just make sure the label says something about “visigosity,” has a seal from the United States Bureau of Standards and Measurements (USBOSM), and above all make sure it has an anabolic-transfat rating of at least 39.5 millibars. If not, you’re in for big, big trouble. You’ll need at least two extra quarts since obviously one will get knocked over, and the other will be placed in your side case for emergencies, but will be lost after you remove it one day to make room for bananas, milk, bread, and olive loaf.

   Now you’re pretty much ready to begin the process:

Step 1: Run the bike until warm, but consider that just running it in your closed garage may not get the oil circulating as freely as it should.

Step 2: Find hammer. (It’s probably still out in the lawn where you hit it with your mower last week.)

Step 3: Remove “drain plug.” Oh yeah, when you pick up the oil filter, part #SN543-UV30-R1600-GARM-?-BRTWRST1, they’re probably going to try to talk you into buying something called a “crush washer.” This is a needless expense, just dreamed up by corporate fat cats in the nuts, bolts, and washers cartels. If you give in and buy one, you’ll find it’s going to get crushed just like your old one.

Step 4: Slide turkey roasting pan under the hot oil stream now pouring onto the garage floor. (If you slide it under there before you begin, the drain plug will fall in there, and, you know, that oil can stay hot for a long time...)

Step 4.1: Frantically start pulling off reams of paper towels to form mini-booms around the spreading oil spill headed for your clogged garage floor drain.

Step 4.2: Begin cursing your yellow lab who, suddenly tired of licking your face, has decided to walk through the growing oil puddle on her way into the house.

Step 5: Grab nearest aquamarine towel to try wiping up paw prints on carpeting before wife gets home.

Step 6: Remove oil filter, burn self, drop filter, spilling contents on garage floor.

Step 7: Replace “drain plug.” You’ll find that in a real service manual for your bike they will give you mysterious directions such as, “Tighten drain plug to 45Nm.” The “Nm” is a meaningless abbreviation mythically referring to torque force, but in actuality it simply means, “one or two light taps with hammer.”

Step 8: Remove oil filler cap and pour in one quart of oil.

Step 8.1: Grab more paper towels to clean up the new quart of oil on the floor since you forgot to replace the oil filter.

Step 9: Replace oil filter after applying a thin coat of oil to the gasket (that rubber part). Note: If it hasn’t happened already, this would be a good time to kick over an opened container of new oil, since it’s going to happen at some point anyway.

Step 10: Continue pouring in oil until the oil reaches the proper level in something called the “sight glass.” There are different schools of thought on exactly where the proper level is. You should probably spend the remainder of the day on one of those online forums to check the indicated levels for your latitude, longitude, elevation, distance from the sun, day of the week, moon phase, time of day, mental disposition, etc.

Step 11: Almost done! Take bike for a shake down cruise. You’ll notice I did not say replace filler cap, since, if you’re like me, you neglected to do that once on your F650 Funduro and had the hot oil spurt up all over your face shield and your new Hi-Vis yellow touring jacket, and from now on, well, that step obviously goes without saying.

Special Note: Upon returning your bike to the garage, make sure to park it out of all that oil spill you spilled, but don’t worry about standing in it yourself. This will allow your feet to slip when you’re putting the bike back up on it’s centerstand, which will cause the bike to fall over on it’s right side, which will necessitate calling your neighbor Wally over to help pick up the bike, which will prompt him to all the while make cruelly hurtful remarks about your prowess as a mechanic. On the upside though, Wally will most assuredly throw his back out.

 

You did it! To sum up then, let’s compare…

 

Oil Change at a Dealer:

Parts, lubricant: $35

Labor: $30

Tax: $3.50

Total: $68.50

 

DIY:

Five Quarts Oil $45

Kitty Litter (for oil spill) $4.98

Foil Turkey Roasting Pan $3.29

Carpet Shampoo $9.97

Dog Shampoo $3.79

Paper Towels (1 cs) $11.99

Aquamarine Guest Towel $10.50

Oil Recycling Fee: $5

Gas (for miscellaneous trips to town for paper towels, guest towel, shampoo, kitty litter, recycling, etc.) $20

Wally’s 12 Chiropractor Appointments: $360

Total: $474.52

Your savings:

 

Well, rather than thinking about savings, best to think about the intangible benefits of changing your oil yourself. The pride, the sense of accomplishment, the humility, the pain, the exasperation, the anger, the marital discord…well, just remember: YOU DID IT YOURSELF!